Ross is not someone
who can just give a ride to a girl. He is, umm, kinda dense. But then, he wears
up his blue jeans jacket and signal me to get on. It will look weird for both
of us riding on the same motor. This takes me back.
One time he caught me
walking on my way home.
“Where is your dad?”
“I am walking alone.
Do you see any companions besides?” said myself as I
showed him the ‘wanted to get a ride’ face.
“Well, careful,”
He then drove away
his motor with that ‘incredibly not interested to drive me home’ emotion. He
left me alone across the street. There, I was alone and yet the breezes kept
accompanying my lonely soul who had been --might to be said-- rejected by him.
I did not know what went through his head. It might be some kind of krypton
like the one Superman had.
-----
We
are heading to the stadium once Phoebe had told before. I cannot do anything
about him driving with maximum 20 kmph. It is sure going to take us there in
three hours, at least. That one kilometer distance supposes to be reached
within ten minutes less or more.
I
get down as he had driven me by. I say thanks and he leaves as soon as he can.
Predictable.
Everyone is
chattering at my late arrival, again.
“Why
did you take so long?”
“Hng..
I smell barbeque, who is this?” I try to calm them
and apparently it is not working on lunch steak anymore.
“Well,
that is going to be our burning flesh,”
“Hngg...,”
After
a couple fight, we finally start to rehearse. As the time goes by, shooting the
ball is not that hard at all. You just have to analyze the distance and the
power you need to put then, go. But, if someone offer me which I have to choose
between English and Basket ball, I prefer English, please.
In
the middle of the rehearsal, I jokingly ask Ross to pick me up at five. Well, I
do not really expect it to become true. That is the least I could have done
since I did not bring my motor with me. Who knows? Something you do not expect
so much can be something that will really come true. If you never wish for it,
somehow it will become real. And spongebob must have said something true about
it.
-----
Rehearsal
is over. Taking rest will be our first choice of the evening. Today is a bit
windy. Thank God, my jacket help me through it. Three minutes later, Ross shows
up. I am pretty much astonished. Everyone does, apparently.
He
comes up then takes the basket ball with him. He runs. He dribbles. He shoots.
A perfect three point shoot. I can only stare from distance.
This
noon is a bit dark. Clouds everywhere. Windy. He then chimes in.
“It
is going to rain. Should not you go home?”
“Just
a sec,”
I
look at him and whisper from far,
“Will
you wait for me?” he sure does not say any words. He walks and sits. Makes
me come up with a conclusion that he will. Sometimes you do not have to be
psychic to know one better. You just
need to have some agreement. An agreement with one is willing to let you in
one's house.
-----
Time
to home. I get up and clean my trouser from dirt. Tight up my jacket and put the
basket ball back into the bag. I still cannot believe that Ross willingly
drives me home.
He
still drives with that unbelievable speed. Now I feel like a loser and
embarrassing myself in front of the line of snails. But, a beggar cannot be
picky, right? For the record, I am not a beggar. He is just too kind that I can
actually feel some regrets in his aura.
“Please
drive me slowly,” and now we know someone to be blamed
for shaming herself on her own.
“Why
did not you tell me about you moving?”
“Why
would I?” Said he.
“Oh
look! I just put your name under my blocked neighbour list.”
“My
pleasure,”
“Let
me walk then,”
“Oh,
do not be too sentiment, that is so years ago.”
Being
silent can be helpful for now on. We passed the Kota Bakery which mom always tells me that their breads are not
as good as Rex Square’s. Well, she is right then. The only one that makes that
place looking great is the ice blending with various flavours. And that is not
even categorized as a standart bread.
“We
finally see your quality,”
“What?
You want to start a war before I get you home?”
“Just
think what you want to think. Speaking of quality, we should celebrate you,
having a great mark for today’s English test,”
“You
okay with that?”
“What
do you mean? This is not an end, kiddo. I am not going to lose to an amateur.
It is not like I am going to be torn apart after beaten once. I am way more
stronger than other people think. And in fact, having the same mark does not
make me a loser or something. You are still young, you do not want to bear a
grudge.”
“Think
what you want to think,”
“Apology
accepted,”
“No
one says sorry,”
“I
know. That is why people talk to themselves, kid.”
“Woman,”
complain
he.
“Always
right.” Complete me.
Unexpectedly
he lifts his hands up and thanks the God.
“What
are thinking you’re doing?” I yell and hit him hard with the basket ball in
my hand.
“I
am celebrating. I just did your advice.”
“You
almost killed us!!”
He
turns his head around to check me in the eye. He literally smiles and says,
“Relax,
you are safe now.”
“I
am going to be late, quick. No, safety first. Thank you for driving me home.
Hey, why do not we take a short visit? I am just going to make sure you are
living in a new, comfortable, and lovely place.”
“Please
do not.”
“Okay.”
I
keep my mouth shut. It is fine though whether he does not want to show it. He
did not even tell me about it beforehand. Well, I am pretty used to it, this kind
of rejection.
Ross
needs a brain check up. He just passed my alley when he had already visited my
house for once not too long ago. Or maybe I am just too harsh to treat people
who takes a pity on me.
“Sorry.
I forget which one is your house,”
“You
kidding me.”
“Help
then,”
“Look.
Cocounut trees,”
“You
should make a pool yard.”
“They
will not listen,”
“Haha,”
“Not
quite funny, though.”
“Are
you sure your Dad is going to be okay with this? Me driving you home.”
“I
should have got off by the alley. And you kept going straight.” About
five meters from home, he lets me to get off.
“Get off. I am scared
your Dad will make an unexpected show up.”
I say thank you and
he leaves as soon as he can. He is so predictable. Nothing is compete.
I
enter the house with such a complicated feelings. It is as if there is an
unseen war inside me. The heart says that I just got a special treatment. The
brain thinks logically which means that was just one of peer to peer concern.
So in that situation it is usually called by
normal-people-would-do-to-their-friends-without-thinking-in-the-other-way
thing. It just occurs sometimes when you get hanging out with the line of
people. The give and take sometimes can be so much confusing. But I am sure
none to be blamed. Feelings are feelings. They are not actions. They cause
action.
“Pernicious,”
I say.
I
go to my room and lock the door. Changing my clothes to something comfortable
and not edible then cleaning up a bit before I get out.
Looking
at stars in the night has been my favourite moment of the year. It is great
when you look at them up there shining very bright and you might not know it whether
they had died or not, yet. You will just figure it out when you find one star
is not shining in the next night or it has replaced with the other one with
more lights around. Not knowing the truth perhaps can be your last
self-defense.
-----
23rd December 1990
A
text has arrived seconds ago. I roll myself just so I can reach my cell phone. New
message, it says.
“You
are wrong. We, as a human being, need to socialize. We cannot live by ourselve
even though we ask for it. One cannot just swipe people out from their life
easily. They have place. They must have taken a place.”
I
have spent my day not to well. And now, receiving this kind of text, I am just
going to explode myself and sleep with pieces of it.
“If
‘socialize’ is referred by helping out each other in ‘certain’ situation like
today, I will prefer to choose isolating myself from a creature named human.” He
disappointed me. He cheated on test today.
“Your
individualism has crossed the line.”
“This
is myself. I live by my rule. I know myself better. Then, why would I be
friends with someone who cannot give me some benefits?”
“So,
you think what I did today was despicable and not bringing any advantageous?”
“Precisely.”
“We
helped each other. Everyone was happy and we got good score.”
“Petty-minded.”
“I
am not. Stop calling me that!”
“It
is just, you are so patronizing to me. Cut it off, you just make yourself look
stupid.”
“Human
interaction is a need. Sooner or later, you will realize it. You are just going
to sit there and feel sorry for yourself. You will regret what you have thrown
away.”
“You
are wrong. I will not be able to regret things that I do not even have in the
very first place, Ross. Good night.”
“Sooner
or later. Night.”
-----
11th
May 1991
The
sun is brightly shining. Today, I am feeling so great. A brand new chapter has
already begun. People might think that I just won lottery. And these bunch of
creepy thoughts are totally wrong deductions. Like a crystal clear river, you
must have thought it is not that dangerous for a small swim because it does not
look that deep. Then your first deduction gets someone drowning.
He
is drawing. I am writing. We are completely fine. On the top of that, I sit next
to him. People will be portraying us as a good brother-sister relationship.
“What
is this?”
“Supposed
to be fences. Shut up.”
“Wow.
Calm, dude. You know, he does not like it when his students draw bizarre
things. You know it will upset him.” I try not to sound
mocking him in the face. But, he does not really keen with perspective things.
“I
know. Thanks for your concern.”
“No
one gives concern.”
“I
know. That’s why people talk to themselves.” Said he.
“Thanks.
But, I am not in the mood to laugh.” Repel me.
“No
one even tries,”
“Your
mind. It is placid, staright-forward, and barely used.” I
do not expect myself to harm him by my words. And I hope he does not offended.
But, somehow in so many ways, it just slips out of my tongue.
“Oh.
Nice try, hotshot!”
The atmosphere does not pretty much
let us to speak up for more. I am back with my writing. Though do in fact,
writing is not really what I have been doing. It becomes diversion of mine in
order to less the awkwardness and to loose the intense status which I might not
want to have in the future.
Sun goes down. Sky is now filled by
the stars and its friends, anything sparks a light. Night scenery is indeed
beautiful. No one will choose to start a war when they actually understand how
dazzling tonight is. However, there must be stupid person. And that would be
me.
“We
are friends. Tell that to everyone who goes around the sun.”
“We
are friends.” Copy he.
“I
am not interested in you.” I stop for a while and start to complain even
further.
“People get very
stupid day by day. I do not think I can handle this kind of abusement any
longer.”
“Dear
God, I am sorry. It must upset you. I try to convince them then, promise you.”
Said he when he does not even sound very promising, though.
When
you do not speak about the truth, pain is the one which gives the answer
instead. Maybe I should not have said anything. I should not have complained. I
am sentiment. And Sherlock was right, sentiment is chemical defect found on the
losing side. Surprisingly enough, my first deduction drowns myself. Pain is
what I have for now. We are now far away apart. I can actually see the
distance.
Our relationship ends
here. So, what? Who do I blame?
-----
