27.5.20

lazy cat : Punyong

Ola semuanya yeorobunn!

Kek mana kabar klen semua we? Apik-apik wae toh~

Bagi kalian yang belum mengenalku. Aku adalah orang biasa yang sedang dinas di sebuah kota kecil di pinggiran provinsi Banten. Yup! Pandeglang haha. Konsekuensi yang harusnya ikhlas aku terima sejak aku diterima di salah satu sekolah kedinasan di negeri ini. Tahun 2017 lalu, aku diterima masuk perguruan tinggi kedinasan PKN STAN. Dan lulus 2018 (tentu karena aku D1) lalu ditempatkan di Pandeglang. Merantau sendirian di kota antah berantah tanpa sanak saudara yang bisa dijangkau, di usia yang terbilang muda untuk aku yang anak '98 ini. Ngenes ya. Hahaha. Bentar, nangis dulu. Huhuhu.

Karena tidak memiliki kenalan atau sanak saudara di sini, aku memutuskan untuk menyewa kamar kos. Tentu yang kamarnya harus sendiri. Aku tidak bisa berbagi ruangan dengan orang asing. Aku pemalu. Dan introvert. Juga sarkas dan tidak manis. 

Setelah satu tahun lamanya, pencarian kos terbaik pun jatuh pada kos belakang kantor yang mana dengan sekali lompat aku sudah masuk parkiran belakang kantor. Selama satu tahun itu aku kerap berganti kos hingga 3 kali. Pertama karena aku tidak tahan dengan kecoa yang tidak sekali tapi dua kali bahkan tiga kali masuk kamarku tanpa permisi. Di samping itu, kasurnya sudah sangat usang hingga punggungku yang berusia 60 tahun ini tidak sanggup berbaring lagi di atasnya. Padahal sayang sekali, letak kosnya dekat dengan kantor.  

Lalu, aku pun pindah ke kos yang lumayan jauh jaraknya. Perlu 15 menit untuk sekali jalan ke kantor. Kos kedua ini aku akui memang nyaman tempatnya. Luas untuk ukuran harga 600.000 rupiah. Tapi, jaraknya cukup tidak bersahabat. Akhirnya akupun memutuskan untuk mencari hunian kos baru. Kos belakang kantor, Kos Pasar Heubel yang akhirnya dalam masa pembangunan sejak aku menginjakkan kaki di bumi Pandeglang dibuka pada bulan Agustus. Tanpa basa-basi dan berpikir panjang, aku pun menandatangani kontraknya hahahaha. Agustus awal, di malam setelah lembur kerja yang bikin pusing tujuh keliling, aku pun pindah ke kos baru belakang kantor.

Kemudian, aku pun mendapat teman baru di sana. Dan merupakan suatu kebahagiaan bisa bertemu dan menghabiskan waktu bersama mereka. Mereka adalah trio yang sebenarnya. Please welcome... spoiler dulu ya, aku Cat Lovers.

Annyeong, my name is Punyong~
Namanya Punyong. Tidak perlu nanya asal-usul nama ya. Alasannya sederhana sekali, kuberi nama Punyong karena dia imut, tsundere, dan punya bakat jadi ninja. Dan suatu hari aku kebingungan memanggil dia. Kupanggil "Cing" rasanya kurang lega. Akhirnya kuganti menjadi "Nying". Tapi lambat laun, aku merasa ada yang tidak beres dan mulai terdengar tidak senonoh. Panggilan "Nyong" pun jadi. Karena aneh, aku sengaja menambahkan awalan "Pu". Dan jadilah panggilang "Punyong".

Kami bertemu pada awal April, kalau  tidak salah tanggal 5 April 2020. Sore itu, aku membuka pintu dan mencoba menghirup udara segar setelah suntuk rebahan di dalam kamar. Mungkin jenuh karena efek WFH (work from home). Lalu, Punyong melintas di seberang kamarku. Tiba-tiba dia berhenti. Kami saling menatap lalu aku mengarahkan jariku ke satu titik ubin depan kamarku. Mengisyaratkan agar dia datang kepadaku. Namun, dia sama sekali bergeming dari tempatnya. Lalu aku mulai mengambil whiskas yang kusimpan untuk kucing yang sering nongol di sekitar kantorku. Kubuka kemasan whiskas itu dan Punyong pun mulai berjalan mendekatiku. Mungkin karena baunya. Bau whiskas, jelas bukan bauku.

5 April 2020 I The first time we met
Bisa dilihat betapa sangat terburu-burunya aku memberi makan hingga aku meletakkannya di atas plastik kresek Alfamart. Karena kalau aku tidak cepat, aku bisa kehilangan Punyong. Bisa kalian lihat, dia bukan kucing kampung. Dia kucing ras yang mana tentu saja dengan kemampuanku yang pas-pasan tentang dunia perkucingan, tidak bisa mengetahui ras apa. Dan pasti ada pemiliknya. 

Besoknya, siapa sangka aku kembali dipertemukan dengan Punyong! Lalu dengan tanggap kusiapkan whiskas beserta tempat makan yang lebih layak dibanding kemarin. Ya betul, tutup wadah plastik.



Setelah beberapa hari kemudian, kami pun berteman. Punyong sering bermain ke tempatku. Namun aku cukup sedih karena tebakanku benar. Punyong sudah memiliki majikan, dia memakai kalung dengan tali berwarna biru dan lonceng merah magenta. 

Aku pun mulai membuat rincian pengeluaran bulanan (sungguh kalimat yang penuh kebohongan). Punyong biasa kuberi makan dua kali sehari, pagi dan sore. Whiskas basah dibandrol dengan harga yang lumayan tidak murah untuk satuannya. Sekitar 7.000-8.000 rupiah. Sehingga, dalam sehari aku bisa menghabiskan sekitar 14.000 rupiah. Mari kita kalikan itu dengan 30. Wah, hampir separuh gaji uang makanku habis untuk belanja whiskas si Punyong. Tentu sebenarnya aku pun tak keberatan. Tapi, kemudian ketika aku mulai menunjukkan tanda-tanda bokek, aku memilih untuk membeli whiskas kering jiyajiya..

Hari terakhir Punyong makan whiskas basah yang mahal. Punyong be like, "Why hooman? Why you did dis?"

Tempat favorit Punyong di dalam kos adalah di sebelah juntaian gorden dekat kamar mandi. Sehabis melahap makannya, dia biasa nongkrong dan rebahan di sana. 

"Berhenti mengangguku dan biarkan aku tidur, hooman!"

Punyong's favorite sleeping pose. Kayak keset ya.

Dan kalau kalian menyadarinya, Punyong tengah hamil. Tapi kemampuannya memanjat jendela kamarku sungguh menakjubkan. Seperti yang kubilang di awal, Punyong punya bakat ninja yang terpendam. Diam-diam, dia suka masuk lewat jendela kamarku. Awalnya berhasil bikin jantung tukar tempat dengan paru-paru. Terkejutnya daku. Lama kelamaan aku mulai terbiasa dengan gaya ninjanya. Pernah suatu hari aku pergi belanja, lalu pulangnya hujan deras. Ketika sampai depan kos, aku melihat Punyong sudah duduk di atas jendela.

Punyong climbing on my window on rainy days. That day, I was not at home. I was doing some groceries shopping.

Senang sekali melihat dia duduk manis di atas jendelaku dengan muka tak berdosa. Mungkin seperti inilah rasanya ketika memiliki seseorang yang menunggumu ketika kau pulang ke rumah.

Where Punyong sat on my lap for the first time.

Punyong being forced to watch K-drama with me. 







Punyong and her current cute baby kitten.

Awalnya agak aneh merasa bahwa Punyong sebenarnya hamil, tidak gendut, karena dia sedang menyusui anak-anaknya yang masih krucil-krucil kocik menggemaskan itu. Tapi, entah semakin lama, perutnya semakin membesar. Akhirnya, aku yakin betul kalau dia memang benar hamil.

Sekarang cuma satu harapanku, semoga Punyong bisa melahirkan dengan selamat. Semoga bayinya tidak ada yang cacat. Tetaplah memanjat jendelaku, Punyongku yang imut. Aku selalu menanti kehadiranmu. Kalau sudah lahiran, sering-sering main ke kamarku yaa~

Annyeong, Punyong-ah!



26.5.20

trio kwek-kwek


Once again, I choose a difficult path to decipher my emotion. 


One is evidently, at some point, having difficulty to comprehend with her own emotion. No wonder, we need a psychiatrist. But however, the one who's having it cannot even understand herself. One is not able to talk through it. In the end, one would never understand herself because running away from it might be the best decision she was capable of dealing it. Either from a cruel reality or just mere of a temporary happiness. 

Life is about balance. There is up and down. Expecting a happy ending, full of magical touch, kiss and hug, love and kindness all over places is not wise. Hence, one shall never look up to sky for too long because one tends to die soon. Even in such of fairy tale, happiness is acquired by going through hardships. It needs sacrifice, because to ship is to pay. Everyone should have been aware of that for everything happens in one's life has got to be some price to pay.

Finally, this day, I come to realization that I never have such a healthy relationship with anyone. Either it is dealt with love or a friendship. I am still not mature enough to distinguish love or obsession child-like when my favorite candy is being taken away. And I am standing in between at the moment. I cannot move my feet even an inch. Before I know it, the relationship I have built with whoever it is becomes toxic. Never have it become toxic if it does not affect by a toxic cause. And we can literally point a finger to someone who brings into it. I hate to admit that it sounds right to say, that maybe somehow, I am a toxic person.

I have spent almost my entire life to be good friend. By being good, I thought that people will do the same. In those time, I dare to fight myself and pretend to be good when I am not. I want to be perfect all the time. I do not want people to know I am vulnerable. Hiding my true inner self is the little happiness I can bear. The most heartbreaking moment that might occur is when they begin to find out who I really am. Little by little, they start to see the actual me. And I never realize that between all the small happiness in my heart lies some big scars and pain full of betrayal within. After all this time, I finally see the flaw in me. For a while, I have forgotten that no human is perfect.


***

In the end of May, I try to calm myself from all the problems in my life. I want to wash away the stress that keeps me awake at night, that keeps me asleep at day because I am too afraid to face the reality. I grounded myself as I close my eyes and just vanish from the sight. Physically and mentally tired from the drama and fantasy I have been making as my self-defense mechanism. When reality do not work as I want it to happen, I make whatever scenario where it works.

One of my friend ratted me out. It is the perfect word I could think of. I have never been humiliated than ever. When you think you know someone, you trust him at all cost, then he just stabs you in the back and he actually speaks behind your back. After all the things I had told him, he chose to suddenly act like he was the good and wise man like Gandhi. It disgusts me. 

Is there something wrong with me? I must have messed it up on the process. There has to be a single step I have missed that now every relationship I have is unbearably bleak. Perhaps it is the best when I am not around. I find it all too late. And I end up hurting people around me with my words and behavior. I slice the heart of innocent people before me into pieces. However, before I know it, the first one I had sliced, torn into pieces long time ago was mine. I walk up to the mirror and see the reflection of myself. I close my eyes for a while, sighing. When I look back at the mirror, I am terrified. All I can see is pitch black. That's when I know I have been growing up into someone heartless.

I was sick the other day, it appeared to be small diarrhea. In the last Ramadan, it was such an unfortunate moment that I had to have my period for a whole week. And within the time, I only ate rice for a day and the other day I chose to eat vegetables only. There was one day when I actually did not eat anything. Maybe, that's where the diarrhea came knocking on my door.

Not to mention, I was not in a good state on Eid Fitri day. It was when everything supposed to be about happy, joy, and forgiveness. And there I was forgiving myself. But, what if I made that up? Indeed, the diarrhea was the best thing I could come up with when my mood suddenly being uncooperative. That day was just awful, I felt lethargic. I did not even want to step outside. I told my friend I was not well and wish them a great day. I told them to enjoy the opor ayam without me for then I crawled back to my quilt and rolled myself with it, covering the whole of me from head to toe. I grabbed my pair of headset, turned on the loudest volume and began to cry, alone.

I missed my family. When life gives you lemons make lemonade. Guess who will be the first one willing to make it? It is your family.

Being an idealist can be distressing. As one of them, I tend to somewhat force everyone's intention to match mine. Having everyone to see from my perspective is such a bliss. But, that's the biggest flaw within me. I forget that we all come from different places, raised by different parents, and to push someone to fit my side is not a pleasant view to see. Besides, no one knows whatever my intention carries. I am also capable of growing an ill intention. And it takes me years to see that the one that I have been growing is the least one I want to have. The scars and pain I have been carrying my whole life are started from there. Not only that I have been living my life as a heartless man, but I also a psychopath who might have lost her way.

Maybe after all, they shine brighter without me. The existence of mine somewhat gets in the way of their happiness. For all I could think, they better off without me beside them.

I may have not come in prepared to end my pain as well as theirs. But I guess it's already good enough for a fresh start, in order for them to move forward and taking step ahead, the one and only option will be me taking a step back. Let the time lead me to the way out for now I am aware of my place. The last thing to do would be to disappear for good. And yet, I just do not have the courage to do so. But I have put it into consideration.

To whoever that had to put up with me, thank you. And I am sorry for the time I might have crushed your heart with my words. 

The name of Trio Kwek-Kwek does really suit them. 


Believe me, I also want to live a normal life.

15.5.20

to ship, to pay

Sharing your stories to someone you can confide is truly a great thing. Someday you will find a friend who's dear enough not to judge you for every aspect within you. Go get a friend that can understand you better than yourself. But that sounds a bit greedy and overrated, don't you think? Everything has its limits. You cannot just find someone who's perfect, so flawless that will accept the way you are. These talks are craps.

The key of a healthy friendship is you get to commit that you trust a dear friend of yours and you will never have had wrong idea about her no matter what she has probably done to yourself, even to herself. Believing someone will lead to a good relationship. At least that's the very point one needs to get after living for quite while, mingling with bunch of different souls, different issues, different personality, different dreams. Even at some point, you feel like you are the only one who bears the responsibility of holding the ship together. 

Losing someone important changes you in some ways. When you lose your best friend because you guys no longer go to the same school, well that sucks. Or it could turn into big surprise that it was actually no one's faults but, yours. You missed your best friends so much that you tried your best to replace them. That was the only way, the only cycle you could think of. Without you realize, cutting them off of your life bit by bit taking your pain out. However, you are aware of the price you were going to pay. You just never thought that they might do the same.

Now only time can speak for itself. You sit down by the sunset, putting your right hand on the left chest, staring straight. Then you cry. Those good memories start lingering, showing how much you love them. Replacing someone was really childish, and you know you have not grown up yet.

If you lose your best friend, what will you do?