trio kwek-kwek

Once again, I choose a difficult path to decipher my emotion. 


One is evidently, at some point, having difficulty to comprehend with her own emotion. No wonder, we need a psychiatrist. But however, the one who's having it cannot even understand herself. One is not able to talk through it. In the end, one would never understand herself because running away from it might be the best decision she was capable of dealing it. Either from a cruel reality or just mere of a temporary happiness. 

Life is about balance. There is up and down. Expecting a happy ending, full of magical touch, kiss and hug, love and kindness all over places is not wise. Hence, one shall never look up to sky for too long because one tends to die soon. Even in such of fairy tale, happiness is acquired by going through hardships. It needs sacrifice, because to ship is to pay. Everyone should have been aware of that for everything happens in one's life has got to be some price to pay.

Finally, this day, I come to realization that I never have such a healthy relationship with anyone. Either it is dealt with love or a friendship. I am still not mature enough to distinguish love or obsession child-like when my favorite candy is being taken away. And I am standing in between at the moment. I cannot move my feet even an inch. Before I know it, the relationship I have built with whoever it is becomes toxic. Never have it become toxic if it does not affect by a toxic cause. And we can literally point a finger to someone who brings into it. I hate to admit that it sounds right to say, that maybe somehow, I am a toxic person.

I have spent almost my entire life to be good friend. By being good, I thought that people will do the same. In those time, I dare to fight myself and pretend to be good when I am not. I want to be perfect all the time. I do not want people to know I am vulnerable. Hiding my true inner self is the little happiness I can bear. The most heartbreaking moment that might occur is when they begin to find out who I really am. Little by little, they start to see the actual me. And I never realize that between all the small happiness in my heart lies some big scars and pain full of betrayal within. After all this time, I finally see the flaw in me. For a while, I have forgotten that no human is perfect.

***

In the end of May, I try to calm myself from all the problems in my life. I want to wash away the stress that keeps me awake at night, that keeps me asleep at day because I am too afraid to face the reality. I grounded myself as I close my eyes and just vanish from the sight. Physically and mentally tired from the drama and fantasy I have been making as my self-defense mechanism. When reality do not work as I want it to happen, I make whatever scenario where it works.

One of my friend ratted me out. It is the perfect word I could think of. I have never been humiliated than ever. When you think you know someone, you trust him at all cost, then he just stabs you in the back and he actually speaks behind your back. After all the things I had told him, he chose to suddenly act like he was the good and wise man like Gandhi. It disgusts me. 

Is there something wrong with me? I must have messed it up on the process. There has to be a single step I have missed that now every relationship I have is unbearably bleak. Perhaps it is the best when I am not around. I find it all too late. And I end up hurting people around me with my words and behavior. I slice the heart of innocent people before me into pieces. However, before I know it, the first one I had sliced, torn into pieces long time ago was mine. I walk up to the mirror and see the reflection of myself. I close my eyes for a while, sighing. When I look back at the mirror, I am terrified. All I can see is pitch black. That's when I know I have been growing up into someone heartless.

I was sick the other day, it appeared to be small diarrhea. In the last Ramadan, it was such an unfortunate moment that I had to have my period for a whole week. And within the time, I only ate rice for a day and the other day I chose to eat vegetables only. There was one day when I actually did not eat anything. Maybe, that's where the diarrhea came knocking on my door.

Not to mention, I was not in a good state on Eid Fitri day. It was when everything supposed to be about happy, joy, and forgiveness. And there I was forgiving myself. But, what if I made that up? Indeed, the diarrhea was the best thing I could come up with when my mood suddenly being uncooperative. That day was just awful, I felt lethargic. I did not even want to step outside. I told my friend I was not well and wish them a great day. I told them to enjoy the opor ayam without me for then I crawled back to my quilt and rolled myself with it, covering the whole of me from head to toe. I grabbed my pair of headset, turned on the loudest volume and began to cry, alone.

I missed my family. When life gives you lemons make lemonade. Guess who will be the first one willing to make it? It is your family.

Being an idealist can be distressing. As one of them, I tend to somewhat force everyone's intention to match mine. Having everyone to see from my perspective is such a bliss. But, that's the biggest flaw within me. I forget that we all come from different places, raised by different parents, and to push someone to fit my side is not a pleasant view to see. Besides, no one knows whatever my intention carries. I am also capable of growing an ill intention. And it takes me years to see that the one that I have been growing is the least one I want to have. The scars and pain I have been carrying my whole life are started from there. Not only that I have been living my life as a heartless man, but I also a psychopath who might have lost her way.

Maybe after all, they shine brighter without me. The existence of mine somewhat gets in the way of their happiness. For all I could think, they better off without me beside them.

I may have not come in prepared to end my pain as well as theirs. But I guess it's already good enough for a fresh start, in order for them to move forward and taking step ahead, the one and only option will be me taking a step back. Let the time lead me to the way out for now I am aware of my place. The last thing to do would be to disappear for good. And yet, I just do not have the courage to do so. But I have put it into consideration.

To whoever that had to put up with me, thank you. And I am sorry for the time I might have crushed your heart with my words. 

The name of Trio Kwek-Kwek does really suit them. 

Believe me, I also want to live a normal life.